


And I’m scared, scared that you’ll be disappointed and I won’t be able to prove you wrong

by Mad_Hatt3r



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-07
Updated: 2020-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:47:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23018797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mad_Hatt3r/pseuds/Mad_Hatt3r
Summary: Thursday 27th FebruaryA small moment when Charity goes home
Relationships: Charity Dingle/Vanessa Woodfield
Kudos: 63





	And I’m scared, scared that you’ll be disappointed and I won’t be able to prove you wrong

**Author's Note:**

> I haven’t watched any scenes yet after Vanessa tells Charity about the cancer but I saw a comment about Charity sleeping on the couch that night and just thought I needed to try and insert a filler scene to make more sense of that (in my opinion terrible) decision.

When she comes home the house is completely silent. The lights are out apart from the small lamp on the table and she almost wants to rage at the warm stillness that surrounds her. Vanessa has taken the time to leave the light on so that she doesn’t come home to darkness. The lump that appears in her throat at this simple gesture threatens to choke her. 

Forcing away the unsettling sensation she quietly strips off her jacket and boots, actually making the effort to put them away. She never does and Vanessa rolls her eyes and scoffs before shoving her boots by the door and her coat on the hook. It’s an expected response and Charity does it now just to tease so she can press her lips to Vanessa’s annoyed pout, smirking as she does. 

She’s stood now in the kitchen and she doesn’t know what to do with herself. Her body is tired, her muscles aching after a long day but her mind is a chaotic mess of emotion. 

_Run_

_Cry_

_Scream_

_Hold Vanessa tight and never let go_

_Rage_

_Cry_

_Run_

It’s like a never ending loop playing before her eyes and she just wants it to stop. Her life has never been fair but this, this torment seems to be a new high and she can’t help but think that’s she’s being punished. After years of unhealthy relationships she’s finally found the happiness that she truly didn’t think existed. Vanessa Woodfield deserves the world and more but she has to instead chose to love her twisted self fiercely and Charity will be forever thankful that she does. The fact that this wonderful woman, who’s kind and thoughtful, would help everyone and anyone in need is the recipient of this shitty disease makes her blood boil. 

It’s not fair. It’s not fair and she wants it all to stop, just wants for them to be able to just have a bloody minute of calm in their lives. She doesn’t think it’s too much to ask for, not when she thinks on the things she’s wanted in life; money, status. Just a period of uninterrupted happiness with their makeshift family which somehow works and which she truly enjoys. Her relationship with her boys has never been better and it’s mostly down to Vanessa and the way she just seems to effortlessly make it all work. 

A creak on the stairs makes her jump and she hastily wipes at the tears she hadn’t even realised are falling. Once she’s certain her face is dry she turns surprised when she comes face to face with Noah. She tries for a smile but she’s fairly certain it comes out wobbly and strained. 

“You alright?” 

The tips of his ears burn red but he’s looking her in the eye and she knows then that he’s worried. She imagines she looks tired and with red eyes her middle son is all too aware of the signs of upset. She nods unwilling to speak and his eyes narrow at the lie. 

“It’s good to have them home isn’t it” 

He looks away then suddenly shy and she smiles more freely. There’s so much of herself in Noah that sometimes it’s almost too much. 

“Yeah, yeah it is” 

“Pierce is going to get sent down for this isn’t he?” 

“Yeah babe, he isn’t getting out anytime soon”

“Good” 

He pauses then his eyes flicking to the stairs before landing back on hers as he begins to fidget with his hands. 

“You and Ness alright now?” 

“Yeah babe everything’s fine” 

The lie burns on her tongue and she turns away busying herself with pouring a glass of water even as her stomach churns. She hears Noah let out a yawn and the bottom step creaks as he begins to make his way back upstairs. 

“Good, be glad to go back to normal” 

The tears burn but she manages to hold them back just about, her knuckles white from holding onto the countertop as if it’s a life raft and she’s adrift at sea. She thinks this, the way she feels now, would not be too dissimilar. The drowning sensation as helplessness burns through her every nerve. 

Sighing she glances at the ceiling, she’s tired but she knows Vanessa will be waiting for her and it makes her pause. Her fiancée has cancer, has to live knowing that she has to face all the unpleasantness that brings and here she is making it all about her. The tears, that are so insistent on not being beaten back into submission, she cannot allow to fall. No they are not to be witnessed, not by Vanessa’s piercing blue gaze. 

In the end she doesn’t know how long she stands in the kitchen staring out into the darkness all she knows is that she’s trembling slightly. The heating will have gone off by now, Vanessa moans that she’s cold at night but Charity has always run hot and she can’t stand cloying heat. To make it up to her Charity always wraps Vanessa up as they fall asleep sharing her own heat to keep her fiancée warm. Feeling another pang of guilt she pictures Vanessa curled up under their bed covers, shivering on her own and it forces her to move up the stairs. 

In the cover of darkness she moves stealthily across the landing determined to not disturb any of the sleeping occupants. Her hearts pounding in her chest and she almost scoffs when she realises it’s because of nerves. Standing outside her bedroom door she takes a deep steadying breath before she turns the handle slowly. 

Her bedside lamp is on the soft yellow light illuminating the room. Her heart stops as it lands on Vanessa before she smiles softly. Her fiancée is fast asleep, her arms wrapped around Charity’s pillow, her nose pressed into the soft fabric. 

Charity sighs, there’s no way she’s going to be able to manoeuvre into their bed without waking Vanessa. For a moment she stills she doesn’t know what to do for the best. Vanessa mumbles, disturbing her internal debate and Charity freezes as her eyes flutter before opening slowly. 

“.... Charity?” 

It’s a plea and a question all wrapped into one and Charity responds by moving forward smiling softly. 

“Hey babe” 

She crouches down cupping Vanessa’s cheek, stroking her thumb down smooth warm skin, her heart swelling as her fiancée’s leans into the contact her eyes sliding shut. 

“Thought you’d done a runner” 

Charity forces a scoff before pressing her lips to Vanessa’s forehead. 

“Me babe never” 

It’s building again the pressure in her chest and the muscles in her legs twitch in response. 

“Not everyday your fiancée tells you she has cancer” 

“Not everyday your fiancée gets kidnapped but hey we’re on a roll this week aren’t we?” 

Vanessa laughs softly although Charity can hear the underlying emotion in the way it sounds thin as though it’s taken effort to do so. Charity keeps up the soothing stroke of her thumb not knowing what else to do, she doesn’t think she can get into bed not yet, maybe not tonight. But she also doesn’t want to leave Vanessa alone not when she’s missed her so much this last week and she’s back where she belongs. 

“Busy shift?” 

Vanessa’s voice is slurred with tiredness and Charity just shakes her head before speaking softly. 

“Not too bad, now come on enough chit chat you’re practically comatose and you need make room for me” 

She helps Vanessa move onto her side before she tucks her in tightly, making sure every part of her is covered, she doesn’t want her to be cold. 

“You comfy babe?” 

Vanessa nods sleepily before her brow furrows in confusion. 

“Are you not getting in?” 

It takes everything in her to keep her composure, to not let her eyes skitter away from Vanessa’s worried frown, or let her voice waver with the panic that’s gnawing at her insides. 

“Course I am babe I just need to have a shower first, smell like a keg don’t I” 

It burns, the lie and she presses her lips to Vanessa’s forehead trying to soothe herself, it usually works but not today. 

“So go to sleep and I’ll be in here shortly” 

Vanessa nods and smiles but Charity can see the hint of doubt in her eyes and it hurts even though Vanessa has every right in this instance not to trust her words. 

“Love you babe” 

Her vision goes blurry as she presses her lips to Vanessa’s but she selfishly needs this contact. How can she even begin to imagine a life where this isn’t an option. Where she wont have the constant love from this wonderful woman. This is the all consuming fear. Vanessa not being with her as her other half is upsetting to her, she wants her always, but the thought of a world without Vanessa is devastating. When they break apart she’s forced the tears back and she makes sure her smile is as genuine as possible. 

“Love you too” 

She strokes her fingers through soft blond locks just content to watch the love of her life. Vanessa’s eyes are closed and she looks peaceful as her breathing becomes slow and steady. 

“Go shower” 

Charity chuckles at the bossy inflection but she moves groaning as her knees crack in protest at the way she has been crouched at the bedside. 

“Getting old Charity” 

“Cheeky cow” 

She presses one final kiss to Vanessa’s cheek before she starts to move towards the door, grabbing her pyjamas as goes. 

“Charity I do, love you, so much” 

Charity stills, her throat closing at the raw emotion that can be heard in Vanessa’s tone. It’s like a tsunami that’s building inside of her, the overwhelming urge to rage and cry but she focuses on holding back just a little longer. 

“Yeah, well back at ya babe” 

She turns her head as she smirks and winks her usual reliable mask of humour falling into place just as it always has. Out of the corner of her eye she watches as Vanessa snuggles down, out of her habit her body turning to face Charity’s side. As she smiles letting out a soft sigh Charity feels the first tear make its way down her cheek and she quickly leaves the room. 

Finally as she settles onto the couch, spare duvet wrapped around her, she lets the tears fall hoping that hers sobs are muffled enough as she prays. Prays to a god she doesn’t believe in for the strength she doesn’t think she has to get their little family through this firmly at Vanessa’s side. 

**Author's Note:**

> Well this is going to be a bumpy ride isn’t it ... but I suppose we all love a bit of drama (chuckles) 
> 
> I had started to roughly draft a new work where Vanessa had found a lump in her breast and it was cancerous. Now that this has almost become true to life I’ll have to come up with a new idea before I attempt another Vanity multi chapter fic!


End file.
